CHAPTER XXIII: THE EXILE

   I knew what I must do. The scarce rain, with its worn wooden drum, died in a few minutes and it no longer accompanied me at dinner. I ate without knowing, for the first time in many nights, if they were well fed. In spite of the fact that I hadn’t eaten at all that day, it was eating and nothing else because I then knew that betrayal has no flavor. But soon I went up to my room, where already Doris had advised me that she had prepared my bed. I peeked at the balcony just to check if the night was clear. But I made a big mistake. I had two intentions: to see the stars and to check, looking to the east, at least if I could see the place where I supposed the Torn Hand should be. Lights prevented me to see the night sky and soon I checked bitterly that the room was looking, in fact, to the west. I wanted to, for a few minutes, move to one of the rooms for guests, but surely you remember, Protch, the last two nights I had barely slept. I left it for the next day. I needed the restful oblivion of sleep. Even so, it was not easy, accustomed as I was to sleeping on the floor without blankets. Fortunately I submerged myself soon in the blessed slumber of the soul at sleep, shortly after realizing that night, at least, Bruce would sleep in his tent again.

   Jack woke me up in the usual way at 6 o'clock, telling me that coffee awaited me in the mahogany lounge. Sleeping images returned when I remembered that that morning I would not have to light any bonfire. I had hardly started drinking my coffee when I found myself looking at Beth in front, who had just entered. I had some courage to tell her that from then on I would have breakfast in Avalon Road before starting to work. Being alone was to me fundamental. Alone with my broken universe, I walked away from the temptation to poison me.

   After eleven days without taking the car, I realized that driving relaxed me, although the journey from Deanforest to Avalon Road was so short that I had hardly any time to hear two pieces of news on the radio. Maybe to go somewhere in the city with my Mercedes would be a good way to be some time without my servants. So from that day I got used to walking to work and take the car in the afternoon. Loneliness was not so awful if you are sober. What was a real headache was not to see them.

  But before entering the Thuban two of them I saw. There were also Castor and Pollux. At that time the sun had not reached yet a window facing west. In the darkness they had a matte color and the grisaille was perceptible with difficulty. But in that light, the Argo Navis, on its return from the Colchis, was peacefully sailing in darkness. Jason and Medea were distinguished from the others with more relief and a halo of unmistakable passion. They were smiling around the fleece. To win it, Jason had to yoke two oxen that fired through their mouths, which were on the left, in another scene. Oxen... or bulls. Castor and Pollux were not difficult to differentiate from the others. There were two identical Argonauts, one beside the other, represented both naked. The fleece, the oxen and the twins: Aries, Taurus and Gemini. But my mind had to move a second away from the Zodiac and the ecliptic and enter at once the ancient pole star.

   A star now wandering that no longer showed where the north was and which was opposite the ecliptic, miserable and lost. And on that day of August the Thuban was abandoned by all, as deserted in its summer emptiness, without a clear direction. I soon knew that Norman and Thaddeus were on holidays. The quiet at that hour in the corridors was disheartening and I went up to my office with the shrunken soul. Inside, more than one month without me, I was disoriented, without much knowledge of what were the latest businesses, or what I should do. Apathetic I let my gaze be lost in past papers, invoices and delivery notes for July that Anne-Marie must have let in my office. But it was only five minutes. Without knowing very well why I got up and I started to look out the window.

    I didn't have time for more. Instantly came into my office Anne-Marie. I sensed by the dark circles in her eyes that she had hardly slept last night and I couldn't help feeling guilty. As I could I took courage to ask her how she was. And she, looking at me with a wound and elusive gaze, replied:

− "Nike, please. I still have to process the information that you gave me yesterday. I have no grudges, but at the moment let's just speak of work, would you like? There, in the outskirt, I wanted to update you about which were the last businesses, but I don't know if you were listening to me. And today we have a Board of Directors reunion."

  She left me on the table projects, finances, telephones of people to meet... She spoke mainly of an iron mine that was nearly bankrupt and that the Thuban Star could acquire advantageously. It was the mine of St Eustace. We would put the capital and it would provide us the much-needed iron. Already the blast furnaces of Arcade claimed it more and more frequently. I would have to meet Mr. Erkins and Mr. Willoughby, lawyers.

   There were always special Board of Directors meetings when we went back to work and that August 7 there would be one only due to my late arrival.

− "And when the Board of Directors meet you will hear talk about another business that will pass through your hands. Pay attention to what they say. Now you only need to know that it is the Colonial Railway and it seems that the Thuban Star wants to extend its tentacles to the Asian market."

   But for paying attention to her eyes, I was not listening to all her words. She hardly dared to look at me. For a few minutes talking about work matters had managed to take off her mind the most burning problems. Poor Anne-Marie! It was impossible not to feel guilty, but what could I do? To extend our relationship was already impossible, because even if I had made a mistake and discovered that I liked women after all, it was undeniable that I felt no love for her. I had never felt it. But I needed her. Her friendship was essential to me and some friendly face would be the only thing that could get that I did not feel completely abandoned.

   When she finally left I stayed putting papers in order, which was better than the impossible task of ordering my ideas. I noticed myself somewhat disoriented, but soon I discovered that work matters I could deal with out of habit, with a piece of my mind in darkness. At that time, my job was the only thing that could take me away from them for a few seconds. Only for a few seconds. Fortunately I discovered immediately that when I had time to think, my reason was concerned only about the seven. I am lying, they were not only seven the characters in my drama now. I always remembered also the little king.

   The Board of Directors members all looked at me with curiosity. We were all but two. There we were five. Something I had to say:

− "Where to start? –I began with many hesitations-. In July I was on holidays. I was the first fifteen days in the north of Italy, but this is not what you want to know. Back to our country nothing important to tell about my first days. The night of the 26th of July I wanted to go back to a disco where I have sometimes been, Baphomet, I do not know if you know it, in Alder Street. And then... well, what you have heard is true. I can't tell you why there was a snake there, or what kind it was, but there it was. I met it just as there were two people coming. It is inevitable that I name them, Harold. There was your nephew John with his partner Miguel −Harold looked at me then with hostility−, who saved my life. Your nephew, Harold –I looked at him in the eyes− extracted the poison in a tent in an outskirt where I was taken to. There I have spent the past eleven days and I've met five more of them: three women and two men. I would not be able to explain it, but I have loved them so much and we have shared such good moments that they have made me feel at home."

− "You are speaking of beggars, Nike, for God’s sake - Walter interrupted me-. Sure that they were good people, but I do not think that you should idealize their situation."

− "Their situation? I only have seen seven people who have found freedom and who have known that they had to pay a price for it, but they have taken with beauty where they live and how."

− "I have never met John Richmonds - intervened by surprise Samuel Weissmann-, but it seems to me to be obvious, according to what you are telling, that he must be ok when he has never decided to return."

   This comment seemed to irritate Harold Blessing and maybe for that reason, to irritate him, he had pronounced it.

− "Nonsense - he said-, what is clear is that my nephew is not sane. To leave all he had for a deceptive dream of freedom. What does he know?"

− "Sorry, Harold. It may be that I have just come back from there or maybe that they have bitten me with their beauty, another bite, but I cannot consent to you to insult them. They give value to the existence they live and even give value to other people’s lives. They extract blood to life and they drink auroras - I collapsed. I realized that I had begun to cry-. Do not pay me attention. Less than 24 hours later, I have already learned to miss them."

− "Now you know – I concluded-, so now please let's speak about work."

    We discussed the acquisition of the St Eustace mine. I was assigned the project, but in addition we talked long about the Colonial Railway. It was a company that built railways mainly in Asia and Eastern Europe. It was now short of steel and capital. The following week I should meet its most important shareholder, Logan Perrier, and should negotiate with him for the company to provide them both things, in exchange for our real objective, which was to buy it. I soon realized that thinking of work matters helped me to forget them. No! I didn't want to forget them. I remembered myself these past few days saying that if forgetfulness is a demon, get thee behind me. What I needed was to overlook them for a few hours, just a few hours, and to that not even sleep helped me, as I soon found I even dreamt about them.

   In this mood no wonder that looking at a still life in the corridors I came to think that everything in my life would be a still life, as only the seven were alive.

   About 12 o'clock I went down to the bar. I needed a coffee and at least to cry with my thought. But when the waiter saw me, he asked me as he used to do.

− "Whisky as usual, Mr. Siddeley?"

   Later he would tell me that my face then, no doubt disfigured, was horrifying.

− "Richard... your name is Richard, isn’t it? –He answered his name was that - give me a coffee, with very little milk. And if you want me enough, never again give me any alcohol."

− "Is anything the matter, Mr. Siddeley?"

   It hurt me to be called by that name. I sensed that it would be in vain to make a new effort, but even so, I tried again. And Protch, please, do not say anything yet. I didn't know it, and it is important to know when and how I knew. Again I ask you to have patience. Everything will come in its time.

− "Richard – I tried again – could you call me Nike? Here almost everybody calls me thus. Yesterday one of my maids almost succeeded. But she called me Mr. Nike. I need to hear my name without Mr."

− “Of course, Mr. Siddeley, sorry Nike." – He could.

− "It is not so difficult, is it?"

− "It isn’t, but excuse me, why do you want to be called Nike?"

− "I am sure that you know what has happened to me. I've been eleven days cared for by seven beggars. And I need to talk to someone of them. But why are you going to appreciate me enough? Theoretically you depend on me and you're a subordinate. You might think that I am testing you for any malicious purpose, to fire you, for example. If you think something like this - and in that moment I knew what to do - I offer you a piece of information in exchange and you can use it against me if I hurt you. Look, Richard, these days have been very important for me because I have even fallen in love. Luke Prancitt he is called. Now you know. So if I hurt you, you can tell everybody that I've fallen in love with a man."

   But his reaction was completely unexpected.

− "Nike, let us shake hands.  And if what you want is a friend, here you have one. Now I'm rather busy, as you see, but in awhile, you're going to talk about Luke or whatever you want."

   I started to cry. I waited for him patiently. So they had taught me even to make friends. Upon returning I would say.

─ "I also want to apologize because three years ago you were witness to a nasty scene. You saw how that imbecile of Nicholas Martin Siddeley insulted John. These days I have asked forgiveness to him and he has forgiven me."

− "Perfect then and you needn’t apologize. But Nike, since I clearly see that you want a friend, let's try. You will always have my respect. And I'm also going to give you information against me that only Mr. Weissmann, who hired me, knows. I've been in jail some time. I want you to know it, but I don't want to talk to you about that, I prefer to forget it. Now tell me, what are you going to do with this information?"

− "Nothing, Richard. And I can see that, whatever it is, you are rehabilitated. I'll talk about them. I am looking forward to it. But I'm going to ask a favor. I want them so much that if one day you see that I no longer mention them, that I am forgetting them, then please slap me."

   I was talking about them all awhile.

− "They are three women and four men." - And I named them all. My thoughts are transparent, they are, but it is also true that now I didn't mind anybody reading me. And Richard has a special ability to read what I'm feeling.

− "Excuse me, Nike, now you continue.  I cannot know what, but there is something that you did not like to say."

   It was that exactly.

− "I would have liked to say that we are three women and five men and include myself. Two nights ago I decided to spend all my life with them, but then I saw that it could not be. You must think I've gone crazy - and as he rebelled, I added-. You are allowed to suppose it. Yesterday Anne-Marie believed it."

− "Did you decide to live all your life as a beggar?"

− "I'm crazy, aren’t I?"

− 'You aren’t. Each one's life is the life of each one. Thanks, Nike. Maybe tomorrow you don't want to continue the friendship with me. It often happens. But now you really interest me."

− "My problem is that now I don’t know what my life is or what my house is. And I am worried about a challenge that looks like what you have just said. Lucy told me a sentence that worries me: "when thou seest us, thou shalt know us". It's that simple. I have to adapt myself to what so far has been mine, although I no longer feel it as mine, but there is something more important. What will I do when I see one of them? I want to know them, because if I don't I feel that I have destroyed myself, that I won’t be myself anymore."

− "Then speak to your friend Richard every day. Now I am busy again, but whenever you see me free, come and tell me what you want."

− "Tell me something about you, Richard."

− "I'm married. My wife is called Sarah. I really love her. We have a son named Armand. He is two years old. And another child will come soon. My wife is eight months now. One of these days I will be a father again. But why are you weeping?"

− "It is wrong, I know. But to think about your children has reminded me the little king. I will probably never have any children, but I feel as if he were mine."

− "He is Luke’s son, I understand."

− "And Lucy’s. A few days ago I would have told you that I should have fallen in love with her. I now say otherwise: I should hate her. I don’t love her, but I will be unable to express how much I like her. And I like to also know that Lucy and Luke will be always together. But anyway, let's return to what we were talking about. You look happy. As I will have to be here, he will be born and I will continue on the Thuban. Please tell me when it is born."

  August 7. The best of that day was to meet Richard, now forever a friend. I went back to my office and saw at least I was able to keep my mind away with working hours. From time to time I stood up. It was a strange pleasure to look out the window, even though there was nothing to see. My office faces Vicar’s End, a dark and dead-end alley. Full of garbage bins, I imagined seeing one of the seven poking around in them and then I would start to cry and think. When I finish work I will go to see them. But once I finished, I didn't feel strong enough and thought that I could at least know of them all if I visited James Prancitt. But besides resembling Luke and that it would hurt me to see him, I sensed that James knew many things about me. I didn't care anymore; I had just told Richard, but I would mind that Luke knew it. I was afraid that he could despise me. And I also had the risk of finding him there.

   Back to Deanforest, I had to face again the fact of seeing me served and to face my servants. I found them everywhere and to find them annoyed me. I spent the afternoon in the living room, but was unable to read yet and I began to watch TV. I could not concentrate and maybe I changed channel. I learned two pieces of news well, but after two minutes, I was thinking about them again. And if they talked about the weather, my eyes rained thinking of the time when there wasn’t a good weather anymore. I was looking but did not see. I was thinking but was unable to cry. I wanted to be alone and to shed tears when nobody saw me. Because if I did, at the time was Karen there asking me something about dinner. I came to an agreement with her, let her serve me every night what she would like provided that it was always something different. But let her not ask any more questions.

   I saw Doris wash my dirty clothes. Normally, before going to bed I had a shave. This time I didn’t. At night I changed my room and informed my servants. I went to the east with the vain hope of being closer to them and see the stars. But Castle Road lights prevented me to distinguish them. Anyway, if I got my eyes used to darkness, the sky became soon a spectacle of bright arrows, then unknown. All those illuminated jewels that glittered as if shocked, dazzling... my east, young, proud, fierce and remote east! Illusions, reward, hopes... I can't see you now but I know that you are still there. Wait for me that one day, Mistress Oakes, as you believe, we will be eight. With these thoughts, perhaps delirious, I ended up tired and I always slept in an east-facing room.

   The next day, August 8, after having my first breakfast in Avalon Road, I had to meet Mr. Erkins, with tired eyes and very sparse forehead. But I was surprised that we liked each other.  He was a simple and direct man who always went to the heart of the matter. So easy was to put the whole business in his hands that on day 16 St Eustace mine became of the Thuban Star, one of the many companies we acquired those months, some in charge of Harold Blessing. The old star that marked the north that summer it was circumpolar.

   When Mr. Erkins left it was already the time for a coffee at the bar. I went with some haste in order to chat again with my new friend Richard, expecting he wouldn’t think I should not know him.

− "Hello, Richard – I greeted him with affection-. Serve it best without milk, I prefer it so. Thanks for yesterday."

− “Can you see, Nike? You have just done it. Last night I was thinking long about my new friend. But let's talk about today. You are still wishing my friendship, and I'm a man with a shady past. If you find yourself one day with one of them, you know what you will do, don’t you?"

− "Thanks, Richard - I told him while he made the coffee. There were also his assistants Laura and Jeff, a casual employee as Mona Simpson, and Mia and Arnold, who flirted often-. I would like to have some faith in myself. When I find them, I hope I have a good reaction. This morning as I had breakfast I was thinking that today I would go to see them, but now I begin to hesitate, and already I am not able to. It is easy, isn’t it? They are half an hour from here. But what I feel right now is that to visit them is nothing. I want to be one of them. But maybe tomorrow the moron Mr. Siddeley tells you otherwise."

− "I see that right now life is complicated for you. But at least don't be afraid of the resurrection of that ghost of Mr. Siddeley. Your face yesterday showed that you urgently needed a friend and now you have it. Whether you are a beggar or a raider, you can always count on me. I am almost a neighbor of the Outskirt of the Torn Hand. You will go to see them and maybe I also go there. Meanwhile Sarah wants to meet you. I spoke to her about you. I have no secrets for her. Come one day to have dinner with us."

− "Thank you, Richard, but I still don't know who I am. Wait a little more. I could come to see you and behave in a wrong way later. Tell me now how your child will be called.”

− "I like my name, but I prefer to put him Jean in front. I have lived in Montpellier and Orléans. So it will be either Jean Richard or Crystelle. But again you are crying."

− "I was wondering whether I will take courage in December to see the star Regulus. They gave it to the little king. And I have another one of the same constellation. They gave it to me. Zosma it is called, in the constellation of Leo. They also gave me the Polar Star. And John explained to me that Thuban was also a star."

   So we were a while talking about the sky. I wasn't able to tell my story in chronological order, but in the remainder of August I did. Richard had patience and was a great listener. He knew that I needed to vent. He was listening to me and on successive days he surprised me with questions like "Did you see Antares last night?" showing me that he remembered what I told him.

   After the daily coffee with Richard, I focused on the business and I had a clearer mind. So now I was at peace in the morning. Back to Deanforest, I didn't want to be a prisoner of my own life again and that day for the first time I drove away with my old Daimler, which seemed less ornate and ostentatious. Just a few words to inform the bishop Victor, I walked away to the garage and drove out. But I realized that my will seemed to have chosen a southbound road, not knowing well where to go. Then I realised that south was Basin Hall, and if I did not dare to see them, at least I was approaching them knowing something of their origins. Perceiving Antares every night I thought that Mistress Oakes was always with me and she was directing my course. I wanted to see mostly the psychiatric sanatorium, a few kilometers away from the village, in which I was not long. Once I arrived to its doors, I remembered the name of her mother: Estella, yes, Estella Oakes.

   The town of Basin Hall has really nothing to be seen. I ordered a coffee at one of the bars to prepare myself mentally for what I really wanted to do. I asked the waiter to give me directions to the sanatorium and I came to it without difficulty.

   The psychiatric hospital of Basin Hall is surrounded by fountains and gardens where inmates walk. I saw one with his mind lost, I suppose, and others who I do not know what they would be suffering but with a sane mind. The lines of that building imposed and I supposed that its high enclosure would be dismal on moonless nights. I rang the doorbell and was received by a young blonde woman somewhat absentminded. I asked for someone in charge there and I went to speak with Miss Diamond, Sophia Diamond. She was a redhead little woman, and she did not resemble Lucy, but she reminded me of her inevitably and therefore I have remembered her name. I saw she was efficient and hard-working, the soul of Basin Hall. I had to tell her that I didn’t want to see any patient, or to hospitalize anyone, that I just wanted some information but I could be wasting her time. I lied and said that I was friend of Madeleine Oakes – it was the first time that I pronounced her name. But not being a beggar I supposed that I could say it - and I wanted to actually ask for the last years of Estella, her mother, if she had been hospitalized there. She told me that her patients were frequently in and out but that Estella Oakes, who she did remember, had been there until two years ago, when she died. But she was permanent, she said sympathetically. She was a very nice woman, but I did not understand much from her explanation. She was half an hour speaking to me of medicines and therapies, saying that Mistress Oakes - I shuddered. She spoke, of course, of the elder Mistress Oakes - had something incurable, but that there they were able to stabilize her, getting as best they could that her aggressiveness subsided. In the frequent visits of her daughter, who did not come alone, she came with a friend - Olivia, I rightly guessed-, who she also recalled, the elder Mistress Oakes could not remember her daughter, but at least they used to walk together without anger.

   I left Basin Hall with a strange sense of triumph over myself. I was somehow still able to maintain contact with them. If that day had been Mistress Oakes’ turn, tomorrow it should be Olivia’s. I remembered that she had told me that she was born in the neighborhood of Downhills. The next day I went there to know it better. I was surprised by the beauty of the landscape between the mountains. The paths had been asphalted, but nature moved. It didn’t take me long to find Hunter’s Arrows and I looked at it thinking that from all that overwhelming perfection Olivia Rivers had been expelled. I went out that day very late and I needed several hours to find the former mansion. And when I was about to go back I met two girls and a guy who were young adventurers and I greeted them. They told me they were going to watch the sunset. I asked permission to join and I watched a scene suitable to dedicate it a poem. Then I thought that it was impossible, that literature could not describe that beauty. Seated on a rock, burning clouds on fire, the horizon liquefied before giving way to night. We were half an hour contemplating the prodigy and after politely saying goodbye to them, I resumed my way back.

   I had found a strange pleasure without money, to get away from Deanforest driving around and discovering hidden treasures. I preserved this peace without them for several days. I saw mainly the villages in the west, more than 20, but I can only remember a couple of names. I was surprised especially by the calm of Stillbrook, with its dry brook, but with water everywhere. You could drink in fountains and gardens and I loved the contrast of the light the day I knew it, with at times a hoarse and fragrant rain. Further to the west, still smaller, I found the unspeakable peace of Aldergrove, where you have to admire the alders, approaching autumn, bathed in a small but intense sun in the afternoon. I was in the two more than once and in both I dipped in the luminescence of the Kilmourne, until one day I planned a route to contemplate the sea where it died, far to the west. It flows into the ocean in the small coastal village of Old River Garden, a quiet area where you can almost see gulls talking to burly fishermen, whom they must tell gossips from remote locations.

   Gossips. I thought that it was the turn now to go where Lucy had lived, but she was born in Knights Hill. I could go and see it, but I could run into James Prancitt just opposite and I was lacking courage. In these thoughts I was one evening reaching Deanforest, when John Ellis asked me something about the rhododendrons. I know the flowers, but I do not know a word of gardening. The important thing is that they continued blossoming. But it was only an excuse to tell me some gossip of Newchapel. Something about an impossible love, oh Luke. But I wasn’t paying him any attention. In contrast, his nephew Tom Ellis, on the right, was a paragon of an impeccable worker, concerned only about his work, at that time Queen Elizabeth roses. They didn't seem to have the same blood.

   So I drove away every afternoon, but what to do on weekends? Suddenly on Friday night I had enlightenment, while I was reading about the planets. I remembered a few words by my dear Mistress Oakes. She would have not wanted me to feel abandoned and had said to me "remember when you find yourself alone that thinking about many things will comfort you. Yesterday we talked about the planets, but only in passing. In your greatest moments of darkness, you will be able to relate us all to one of them. And for then, I have already given you the first clue. If we exclude Pluto, Neptune is the last." So I could relate them again, including me. I was Neptune, as my sign truly was water. I wondered whether there would be some book about the planets and I remembered the library. The library! As in almost all the houses, the library was a luxurious place to show to visitors and was an area that I had never used. I was determined to see it and its landscapes were a new kingdom to discover. Their soft armchairs invited me to rest. There I could be alone and read. Now I discovered pleasures in anything. I informed the servants that I moved there and they often came to interrupt me, to ask me something, whether it was the insufferable Doris Keane or Beth Sutherland. But while talking to them, I discovered a book about planets in the shelves opposite and without an apparent relation I realized two things. John had delivered to Olivia the planet Venus and to Mistress. Oakes he had given the star Antares, which according to him it meant the rival of Mars. Then we were already three planets: Mistress Oakes, Olivia and I were Mars, Venus and Neptune. That night I dared to read some more of Introduction to the starry cosmos. It still made me cry to see the drawing of Leo, but I learned the other stars and constellations: Antares, Spica and Fomalhaut – for I shouldn’t forget that Olivia had two-, Aldebaran, Castor and Pollux. After a while, I ordered Beth - because giving orders was what was expected of Mr. Siddeley - to bring me a cup of coffee to the library, and when she had brought it and walked away I began to scrutinize the volumes there, always waiting for some eyes that dared to read them, to live their adventures, their dreams or their failures. With this new pleasure, I ended up turning the library into my altar, and with it, with the memory of the seven and the little king always with me, the entire house was sanctified.

   Come with me on a trip, Protch, to the library, because I see that being verbose I don’t tire you and I want to talk about a pleasure that has always accompanied me since the year 29. It was exciting to discover the jewels that I had there well kept, full of dust and forgotten. Since then I can find new landscapes. I like dialogues and descriptions, but the reader has a certain undeniable freedom. An author can take the trouble and say, for example, that a certain building is on the left, and you read it and will reread it and effectively it says that it is on the left, but if you've imagined it on the right, whenever you read it again, it will be there, because imagination is free. And since then I see myself as a literary character. You have affection for him and maybe he dies. But the next day, you restart the chapters where you see him alive again.

   In the library also were Moby Dick and Great Expectations, and the other books by Dickens that Olivia had named. She had also mentioned Alice in Wonderland and Don Quixote of La Mancha and there were other gems that I discovered in September. Where to begin? I decided to re-read Dickens. I restarted Great Expectations and I found Estella, Miss Havisham, Pip and Magwitch again... Old ghosts returned that you suddenly remember: what you were doing, with whom you were talking, how you felt then, etc. With this novel, I moved back a few days my watch. I knew myself already in love with Luke, but since I started it until I finished it important and unexpected things had happened: to meet Lucy and like her, the campfire distributing us the stars, Mistress Oakes and her tale of the Universe... As you already know the book, you decide not to rest until you get to a certain point and you know that the next day you will find such or such thing.

   I sighed when I finished it at the end. This time I had read it in just two days. But a good book you never want to end. You always desire to read it again. I then had a second challenge: now I was willing to read Moby Dick complete. I had a copy with more pages than the one they had lent me in the Torn Hand. I soon discovered that at least one hundred were dedicated to notes on chapters. Then I saw that I liked both one and the other. I read a chapter, I went back to the notes and then I read the chapter again to see what it was I had overlooked. So I found out that with Moby Dick I could read two books at the same time. Melville had written a masterpiece with countless references to mythological facts and even stellar references and it is much more than a trip of some whalers.

   This time I did finish it and I remembered myself in the early days, when in my obvious hangover I had not been able to read any more than Call me Ishmael. And I had read more when I met Luke and fell in love with him. It was also then when Mistress Oakes, Olivia and Bruce had first come to my tent. I could not stop thinking about them, but I kept choosing books that they had mentioned. I did not read The Three Musketeers, because it was inexplicably not at the library. Instead, I chose A Tale of Two Cities, in which I was surprised about how you can give your life for love, so the person you love will be happy. I also think David Copperfield is a masterpiece. I associated everything with me and with them and I liked to see the friendship between little David and his friend Steerforth. It goes without saying that it was Luke and me, and I cried to see that friendship was broken. In August I also read Don Quixote of La Mancha and I identified with him even though the protagonist is crazy. Wouldn't I be also? I smiled when reading the passage where they do a burning of books in the library, and save others. I had also made a selection, but who was I to burn anything if I liked everything I was reading? And I made another great discovery with Alice in wonderland. Dear Olivia, how right you were when you told me it wasn't a children's book. The White Rabbit, the Mad Hatter, the Queen of hearts, Cheshire Cat. If only I dared to see you, Olivia, and talk to you about all of them.

   I was an afternoon reading Don Quixote when Agnes Moore came suddenly in to ask me something. I thought that she was far from resembling Dulcinea, but also in those moments I didn't need a "proud Lady", perhaps I needed more to chat with a Maritornes. I asked her point blank if she knew how to make coffee and when she answered me she did, I told her.

− "Bring two cups of coffee, for you and for me and let’s have it here in the library."

   Perhaps she thought I was flirting with her, but in my transparent face there was more need than love.

− "I'm cleaning the windows, Sir, I mean Mr. Nike, and still I have the dining room and the living room."

− "Agnes, you are supposed to do that because I pay you. And the windows are pretty clean and it is not urgent. You can do it another day. Have a coffee with me, please."

− “All right, Mr. Nike."

   And after ten minutes she was there with a tray with two cups of coffee. I suggested her a fairly comfortable armchair on my right. She sat with some trouble and I watched an attractive and quite smart woman. I wouldn't talk to her about my feelings for Luke. I would only speak to her about friendship and how much I loved them. She listened carefully and nodded and was excited with what I told her. When I introduced everyone, she said.

− "I live in a small house in St Mark Street, in the village, Mr. Nike. Down a nearby square comes often a man with his beard to his chest, and sometimes I see him smoking something, perhaps marijuana, and always comes accompanied by another elegant gentleman."

   Miguel and John, surely. I told her to advise me whenever she saw them again and to tell me how they were. It was a comfortable dialogue and Agnes soon grew accustomed to having a daily coffee with me in the library and I guess we caught affection for each other. Agnes, I thought, the great love of David Copperfield. She deserved that name.

   So I now thought without ambition of work, I relaxed talking to my friend Richard, I used to make excursions by car, I had the haven of books, I explained things to Agnes Moore. My life was not with them, but was decidedly a different life and I did not even pay attention to rumors about the Siddeley. Cousin Edmund phoned me one day, but I did not heed him.

   On Saturday 24 Tom Ellis asked permission to talk to me. I listened carefully to him. He told me that he had relatives in Aldergrove, that in September they needed him and that there were other neighbors interested in his services and he wanted to leave. I understood him. Tom was a good gardener and did not gossip as his uncle used to do. I would have needed him. But his farewell gave me an idea. Meanwhile Tom told me something about the tree wells he was caring for.

− "I think that winter will be wet. I am guided by the ants, Sir.

− "I can see no ants, Tom." – I refuted.

− "Neither can I, Sir. But look, it is already close to September. If the winter is going to be dry, they continue striving to seek food and you can still see them in mid-month. But if they guess the water that gives life, they can’t be seen."

   He knew more than me and I assumed that he would be right. I can assure you that next winter was wet.

   Sunday, August 26 I intended to end Alice and was quietly in the library when Victor came suddenly and announced.

− "Miss Beaulière, Sir."

    Anne-Marie! It was 20 days since her last visit to Deanforest. What would she think of me? I told Victor to let her into the library.

− "I had never before seen you here." – She told me.

− "I have just had a shower and I entered the library in order to finish a book. But it is a pleasure to see you again at Deanforest."

− "I see you every day at work and I said to myself that it was about time for me to return here. In fact there is nothing to assimilate: you don’t love me, that’s all. But I want to appreciate you always - I was moved-. I bought two tickets to the theater and wanted you to come with me."

− "Two seconds. I will change my clothes and right away I will be ready."- I told her.

   We had dinner previously at Temple Road, near the theatre. Once seated, I with my coffee, she with her gin and tonic, I asked her what urged me.

− "Have you seen them?"

− "Nike, forgive me, but so much coffee is not suiting you well. I am glad that you do not drink, but there are other things in life. But in short – she sighed-, I have, yesterday I saw them. John sends you his regards."

− "Return them with a hug when you see him again. And what about the others?"

− "I have not seen Luke. He was in the street when I went there. The others all asked me about you. What to tell them apart from the fact that you remember them?"

   Little more we talked before the performance. Anne-Marie reproached me with words or with her silence that I failed to forget them. Stubborn, I remember to have also said.

− "I do not want to forget them. And if one day I no longer speak of them, please slap me."

   I saw with bitterness how few things united us: work, memories of the past, of my alcoholic past, some afternoons together swimming in the same pools, some trips...

   During the play, I went crazy. I had better express it thus. I remember that it was a classic play, but at the very beginning one of the protagonists said the word Earth. I stood up and at least did not shout Earth! As I thought, Anne-Marie confirmed to me that I didn’t. Only some angry spectators to whom I hid the stage a few seconds. Already sitting, I began to think. Mistress Oakes had left me responsible of a task. I fantasized about seeing her again and telling her that, right or wrong, I had completed it. But I had made a schoolboy error: forgetting the planet Earth in the solar system. But suddenly the word Earth hit me. Earth, Earth, she was born on Earth, I felt with her the calling of the Earth, when Luke asked me opinion about her I saw her as matter and energy of the Earth: Lucy! I was delighted that the three women had already their planet and that she had hers before him. Both the same day would be fine, in the same chronological order. One moment: what was in those words? Chronological order. My mind wanted to explode and I was busy the rest of the play and part of the later dinner with Anne-Marie. I already knew! John was the first in my chronological order. Besides that, that same night I read that Mercury, the God - and the planet was the first in chronological order-, was a God of trade -John used to work in the Thuban- and was a messenger of them gods and chief of them travelers and if the stars were gods, he had approached them to us in a trip from the sky to Earth.

   At dinner Anne-Marie and I were taciturn and she asked what I was thinking. I told her and she said.

− "I didn't want to reproach you, but Nike, despite everything I love you, and if you don't think soon on other things, you'll go crazy."

− "Maybe I need to go crazy. Sorry, Anne-Marie, it is still too early to know who I am or what I want in life. It is maybe soon enough so that we meet. I still hurt you. And I don't want to. But look at me, as long as they remain with me, I will not drink."

   We went, that is to say, to comment on the play we had just seen, but I did not remember, as I don’t remember now, the title. She understood immediately that my mind wasn't there and spoke slightly of work. There was a new project: the Thuban wanted to build south of Arcade. The river, the outskirts, I thought, pollution would come to their threshold. Nevertheless, the summer air of the illuminated terrace where we were sitting was good. But we soon left.

   Already in Deanforest, I felt enlightened when I saw the statue of Jupiter. I should return to the library. It was calling me. I looked up the old copy of The bright sky – I should return Introduction to the starry cosmos to John. Would I continue there in December and he would show me the star Regulus? - And I began to read the book. There it was, calling on me to find, this: Jupiter comes from the Latin Iuppiter and means father of light. God father. I remembered Olivia asking Luke, "Who are you?" and his answer "nobody at the moment. I have enough with being in a few days for my child his Zeus Pater." Zeus Pater! Luke! As he himself would say it could not be otherwise. I returned to the central hall to watch the God. They did not look much alike, among other things because the statue was angry and Luke was peace. But I loved the idea that Deanforest had been always protected by Jupiter-Luke. So Lucy was Earth and Luke was Jupiter. That night I could not move from there. I still had Saturn and Uranus for Bruce and Miguel. I should further investigate.

   On day 30 I went crazy again. I was in the library, thinking more than reading and although I was sure, I did not make up my mind. "Come on", I thought, “now it is not fighting against windmills". Victor came to ask me something and I took courage and asked.

− "Bring all the servants here, including the gardeners, to the library. I want to speak to all of you."

   In less than ten minutes they were all there. I found my courage and spoke to them.

− "I want to inform you that in September I want to be alone - I interrupted the murmurs raising a hand-. I know what you’re going to say, but I want to keep only Agnes. I have already spoken with her and she will be coming on Saturdays. If the house is not in condition, she will tell me and I'll call back whomever I need".

− "But Sir - I was interrupted by the bishop, I mean Victor - and what about purchase, meals...?" – I did not let him follow.

− "I will eat out. I'll buy sufficient food to eat at home at any time. I will learn to do the washing up. Furthermore - I looked at the younger gardener-, I would have kept you, Tom, but I imagine that you will have better prospects".

− "Sorry, Sir, so it is – he said to me shyly-, but what about the garden?"

− "I want to be alone for a month. In October I will call your uncle and he may tell me what is most needed. Meanwhile, let me your addresses: I'm not going to leave you abandoned".

   On a bedside table there was paper and a pen. They wrote each their address with a more or less readable spelling and some obvious discouragement. Then I continued.

− "I have thought about your situation and am not going to simply fire you. You'll be earning for two years your usual salary. Now Agnes has informed me of what each of you earns. Meanwhile you can find another job and if not, call me if I'm still here within two years. John Ellis, Karen Lindgren, Doris Keane, Jack Stapleton, Beth Sutherland and Victor Sheffield - I enjoyed naming him the last - here you have your quantities. Tell me if they are up to date with the bank and if there is any problem, call me. You still have this morning and this evening.  Now back to work".

   Victor seemed to like that at the last minute I behaved as Mr. Siddeley. I silenced some futile protest and I managed to stay alone at the end. The next day all of them were helpful and it was more bearable. On 1 September, Saturday, I would be alone with Agnes and it would be much easier.

   And the new month came and with it my desired solitude. But fortunately it began one of the days she came. Because soon I had my first doubt. I surprised her in the kitchen and told her to come for a coffee to the library.

− "You have the worst part, Agnes.  I'm sorry if you think I should apologize. Because the others will earn money for two more years, but without working."

− "I prefer to do my job, Mr. Nike."

− "Yes, Agnes, but your work.  Don't do what was the work of the others or the one I can do. What was yours, take it easy, for the house is clean. And I don't mind learning. So I want you to teach me to make the bed. All my life they have made it for me and I still do not know.  Oh, and then you’re gonna teach me to sweep and wash up."

   She told me that she could do it but she understood my need to learn. And the truth is that it didn’t cost me much work having a good teacher. The best thing to fire my servants was to retain Agnes.

   Norman and Thaddeus returned in September and the company was like an anthill in danger. Days became less arduous with the work distributed among all. Out of work, every day the same doubts. Tempted I was to give alms to the beggars I saw but I did not decide. Or I even doubted whether to ask them if they knew Mistress Oakes and her fellow mates.

  On September 6 Anne-Marie came back to visit me. We didn’t go to the theatre.

− "Nike, I have been a while ringing the bell and nobody opened."

– “I know. I have heard it but I was in the shower - and as she looked puzzled, I added-. Now it is me who opens the door. I don't have any servants."

   I explained it.

− "If you allow me to lovingly reproach you, I will tell you that you're crazy, Nike. How are you going to survive?"

   And as I didn't want to talk about that, I said instead.

− "Tell me what you want to have and if you prefer the living room or the dining room."

   She asked me her usual gin and tonic and went to the living room. I was there somewhat taciturn, because I was thinking about something else. When she asked me, I said.

− "Today he is a month old."

− "Who?"

− "The little king."

− "Holy heaven, Nike. Talk to me about whatever you want. But he is not your child."

− "I'm not so crazy, Anne-Marie.  I am well aware that he is not my child, but I'd like to see him grow."

   She was already getting used to my speaking of them, but I understood her tender reproach. She did not want me to speak only of one subject. At the moment I was monochromatic, I couldn’t talk of anything else. Thinking of them, I was not tired; if I didn’t, I was. Better than having my mind busy with businesses.

   Businesses. Mr. Perrier and I reached an agreement in the middle of September. It was not easy for the Colonial Railway to lose control of what had been theirs for not having capital. But they could always be shareholders. We could have left it there but the Thuban wanted something more.

− "I can perfectly understand what you have said, Mr. Perrier, but if we are going to put most of the money, we want something in return. It is as simple as the change of name. It won’t be noticed, and if it was noticed one could clearly see that you would be the owners just like us. It could be the TC Railway, Thuban Colonial Railway if someone asks."

   At last! Mr. Perrier found it a good idea and we reached a satisfactory agreement for both parties. Business over. Now I could finally deal with Arcade. I had to go and see it.

   I went by car to the Arcade area and managed to park in Castle Road before Knights Bridge. Once in it I saw it was an ugly, dark, dirty, industrial neighbourhood, but at least it was peaceful. I sat in a small square next to the river and I got to see it. I didn't let my eyes set in the furnaces, far to the east. I thought that it was the neighborhood where Bruce had spent his childhood and watched it most fondly. It was almost a village in the middle of the city and one had freedom to play with hardly any traffic and looking at the river. In that area of the Kilmourne you could swim safely and only the smoke of furnaces made the landscape somewhat ugly.

   But I had to stand up and examine it. It seemed that on the south the ground was clay, not ideal to build on it and that could be a hope of salvation. But I should examine the rest. I went through it by all of its cardinal points and soon I found a solution. The large area of several kilometers between Arcade and the mountains was silty gravel, ideal for construction; the north had several building areas and it was virgin and no doubt Hazington would grow one day there.

   When three days later I mentioned it in the Board of Directors, there was a murmur of protest, but Samuel looked questioningly at me, I don't know if valuing what I had said or valuing me. It was difficult to know what that man was thinking. But finally he said.

− "I think that Nicholas is right. The north of Arcade will be the best place. I've been there examining the ground and what he said is true."

   Briefly we discussed the issue and finally we agreed to extend the city to the north, especially the north-east.

   On 16th Sunday I was with a lost mind. I was wondering if someday I would know the name of the sixth negative sign, but to know that I had to be a beggar. That day, in addition, it was Olivia's birthday, and it was the first since I was absent. At times I was reading thinking that that evening I would really go. They had saved my life. I could return them something approaching there and showing them that I remembered the date. My big problem is that if I went this afternoon I could make a folly and stay with them forever. I saw other beggars on the street and when they asked me for alms I did not know what to do.

   But that day, I saw it later; I would have not found them. Later I knew that something had happened in the outskirt, but don't fret, it was an unexpected and, yet, happy event. Believe me that when I had news of it, I rejoiced.

   I had temporarily parked A Midsummer Night's Dream and in my absence, I was still with them. If I didn’t dare to visit them, I would at least give everyone a planet and I still had two. After reading and rereading information about Saturn and Uranus I ended up giving the second to Bruce. The god in some versions was born of chaos and then I knew that so was Bruce. I saw him as water, learning to swim with me and for me it was enough to know that the god was known as the "rain maker", "the one who fertilizes" and to have known Bruce for eleven days had been enough to fertilize me. But then, without knowing why, Saturn was for Miguel. Much as I read, I did not find out. I thought and thought but I didn't know why. Commenting with Mistress Oakes one day my particular assignment of planets, she said:

− "I agree with all, Nike. I knew you would. And yes, Miguel is Saturn. You can’t see it yet but you will see one day."

   And one day I actually saw it. So now we were - let me add myself - Mistress Oakes-Mars, Olivia-Venus, Lucy – the Earth, Bruce-Uranus, Miguel-Saturn, John-Mercury, Luke-Jupiter and Nike-Neptune. That night I went to sleep satisfied.

   This month I decided to read Shakespeare, but I started and left it. I was not willing to read about princes and monarchs. Until it occurred to me to take one day A Midsummer Night’s Dream and I was captivated. It was so different. It is a pleasure to read the one I call the magical Shakespeare. The dialogues between Puck, Oberon and Titania fascinated me and I was enjoying. But my great discovery was another work by Dickens. I remembered the title, but I had not read it or seen it in the cinema. It is not known as his masterpiece, but it is the one I like the most. It is Little Dorrit. The girl who was born in jail... Lucy, the girl who was born in the street. I remembered her inevitably. Luke was not Arthur Clennam, but he ended up where she was born and I felt I would have liked to do the same. In this novel the presentation of characters surprises me, groups of people with no apparent relationship who sooner or later affect one another so that there is no gap to fill.

   That day was fertile in events and there happened something else, but I knew it on Monday 17. When I reached the Thuban I found Richard, who was waiting for me next to the stained glass window. He looked so happy. When I said hello, he replied.

− "I was waiting for you, Nike. This week I don't have to work. I called Mr. Weissmann and he has given me a free week - and already exultant -. I have been a father. Yesterday in the morning."

− "Who has...?" -I started to say.

− "It has come into the world Crystelle. As I knew that the news would make you happy, I have taken a photo of her. I have brought it so you can see her."

− "Congratulations, Richard. She’s so beautiful... I do not know your wife, but she resembles you."

− "She resembles both. She has her eyes. When you are decided, I want you to know that I live in St Alban's Road, 79, 2 º left. You would be very well received. And do not cry, my friend."

− "Seeing her, my eyes fill with tears. You know who I am thinking about. I cannot help it. One month older than your daughter and I feel that I miss his growth, even his tears."

− 'Calm down. I don't know how long it will take you, but you will end up by seeing them, the little king, Luke, all of them."

   After a few days, Tuesday 25 was for me a day of fear, almost horror. When I began to walk towards Avalon Road for breakfast I noticed that something happened to the morning. It was very cold. My mind was where usually it was, with them. I was quite warm, but that cold in late September... they would not be used. It would have come to them suddenly, and maybe they weren't sufficiently covered. It was not raining and there was no fog. But the worst thing was not cold. There was a more fearsome ruffian called wind. This morning it was almost a hurricane and I could not feel my bones. Today, I really had to go.

   My mind did not rest during work. In the morning coffee with Anne-Marie I didn't have to say anything. She knew what I was pondering. In fact she answered to my thoughts.

− "They will know what to do. They must be accustomed to cold."

− "Yes, but not in this time."

− "It is autumn already. I have no doubt that they know how to survive."

− "I love them so much. I don't dare to watch the weather forecast, but in days like today, I would like to freeze with them."

− "Nike, the weather forecast announces stormy weather during a week. They will survive. But I don't want to hear you express like that. Think of them, remember them, talk to me of them all, even Luke, yes, I saw him yesterday and he sent his regards for you. But I don't want you to go crazy. Stay here, read, travel, talk to me, but do not do anything wrong."

   I understood her, of course I understood her, but with this wind, I wanted to go crazy. If they had saved my life, now it was my turn. In Deanforest they would have a fireplace, something hot to eat and good beds. What to do? But the insensitive Nicholas calmed a little when he felt, work over, that the wind went to sleep. I spent the afternoon reading uneasy, sometimes walking to the garden to see if the wind had awakened. Apparent calm. Not so in my heart, where I spent hours with another fierce storm.

   It was difficult in these circumstances to go to sleep. Anxious, I thought that tomorrow would be another day. The hours passed and I at least managed a hectic slumber, because every few minutes I insulted myself, I wondered who the hell I was to ignore them in their need. But at two, I was awakened by a startled hack, the balcony door unexpectedly opening and hitting my conscience. Now it was the time. That blow aroused my sobriety. I dressed emotionally as I watched from the balcony the rough waters of the Heatherling and the wind whipping bodyworks of cars which wanted to park and that in those conditions were almost suicidal. I looked out of the balcony. The hurricane was an immediate danger. I should leave and go to them even if my life was at stake.

   In the garden I saw that it was very risky, but I had to see them desperately, even if I arrived bloodied. It was difficult to move along Castle Road. Balance succumbed and you were tempted to retreat. But I knew what I wanted and that night, already September 26, nothing was going to stop me. Actually that morning the skies wanted to rouse the moron Nicholas Siddeley and make him stand up, at least for that night. I imagined returning to Deanforest, in cheerful conversation with them and see their faces and laugh and cry by their side. It took me an hour and a half to reach Millers' Lane, but finally I saw the hill. I was so eager to hug them that I started to run.

   Again I was unbalanced up that hill, but something happened. There was nobody there. Of course, they would be in their tents, I thought trying to reassure myself. If only everything were as in summer. I knew I had to open one and knocked at Bruce’s tent, my tent in those days. I expected to see him getting up surprised and we would embrace. Deathly silence. I opened the door nervous. There was no one. The fear was double when I heard a sound of something tearing furiously. I had already noticed how the leaves of the trees moved angry, but now it was something different and more terrible. The great ash tree over Olivia’s tent had fallen over. Now I almost flew. With all my body frozen I went to her tent. Believing to find a corpse, watered with tears, I opened the door with a stroke of my hand. No one either. I should have calmed down but my heart was already windy enough and there was no one to ask. Where was everybody? I looked inside Mistress Oakes’ tent. No one either. I went to Miguel and John’s. No one. Lucy and Luke’s tent was now more sacred with the little king, but I would not besmirch it if I didn’t get in. But I had to make sure. Why to follow? Same answer: nobody. I did not know where to be informed, but suddenly I thought: the Outcasts! I didn't feel the wind; you do not feel it when the only thing that blows is panic. But they were not there either. Not knowing what to do, I returned to the Torn Hand. It was 4 o'clock in the morning.

   In the end I decided to go back and returned to Deanforest in less time. Panic made me run. I was not going to sleep. I went to the library with a coffee, but I knew that I would be unable to read. Something I read of Little Dorrit but they were only five or six pages. I spent that time wondering where they would be or what would have happened to them. And at the end it was time to return to work. Perhaps Anne-Marie would know something.

   I expected her more than half an hour at the entrance of the Thuban. And finally she came. I spoke to her about the restless night which was ending. But I sighed with her answer.

− "Relax – She looked at me like someone watching a freak-. They have spent the night in my house. They are all well. And since this week will continue to be windy, I’d rather have them there every day than taking the risk of seeing you do something inappropriate. If any day is like today, they will come to my house."

   I was calmer, perhaps too much, because that impulse had moved me to their outskirt, but now I was sedated. They were well and the insensitive Nicholas Siddeley would continue for a longer time not seeing them. Thus went away September and October arrived without further alteration than my conscience, punishing me with the new change of month. I was living the days as best I could and at night with the loneliness that I deserved. Sheets wrapped me in probation; insurgent sleep whispered to me that there were waiting for me the fluttering flags of the beacons of the Torn Hand, when I decided to leave the walls of my prison, where I had lived two months expatriate.