Passionate heats made our cheeks burn with
feverish intensity. We had placed ourselves near a fireplace and also the
burning to talk again made us spend the evening like that among blushes and
reddening. The lights were dim, to highlight the silver color of everything
around. In The Silversmith all was
silver, or perhaps they were imitations of this metal. The truth is that I do
not know –Luke went on telling them−. Even the tables had some silvery color.
All around us, the carved mirror frames, shelves with trays and ashtrays, some
brazen statuette indifferently resting at the foot of a candlestick, everything
was silver or imitation of it. We were there almost isolated of the scarce
attendance and the waiters came soon. We had not even looked yet the dishes
that were served.
−I have still so much
October 4 to tell that, although I know that it is still early, Protch, I
prefer to tell you tomorrow the rest of the day. And I regret not having the easy
and flowery style of Luke, but I will have to return to the story with my
words. Of the many things we talked about in that restaurant, anyway, he just
made everyone a summary –and as I noticed a faltering Protch overawed before
something that he wanted to ask me, I dared to inquire−. What do you want to
say?
−I don’t know if a
while ago you would have wanted me to interrupt, but I didn't tell you that
I know The Shining Bread of Dawn. In
fact there I buy bread every morning. Finally, I will presume to ask you this:
would you not accept me to invite you to eat?
−I am happy that you
want to do it. But really, Protch, not yet. Wait a little more.
− And would you also
say no to breakfast? –he insisted.
− What is your idea?
−That brioche which you
have described... I see it there every morning. If you say you would, in the
next breakfast you'd have one. Chocolate and bitter orange, isn’t it?
−Protch, I dare not
refuse also breakfast. It is ok. If it is not an annoyance for you, tomorrow I
will eat it with a cup of coffee; and I hope that you accompany me.
It was so agreed. I remember the next
morning was Saturday. Protch was only waiting my arrival to prepare coffee and
we went after the usual greetings a moment to the kitchen. I noticed that the
table was enriched by a brioche that would give us for several servings. I
asked him to eat with me.
-I will, Nike. But I
beg you to eat as much as you want. I don't want to leave anything for another
day. Tomorrow it will no longer have the same flavor.
We ate it in the kitchen before moving on to
the living room so I resumed my story. And while we chatted, evoking the fire
that was liquefied on their crumbs, recalling what was for me the importance of
that October 4 brioche, but without saying anything to Protch so as not to
advance a paragraph of my narration, as of something we had to talk, I asked
him:
−According to what you
said yesterday, John Ellis does not come on Saturdays, does he?
-Right. Why do you ask
me that?
−He was not in the
garden, but casually strolling Castle Road, I believe that waiting for me. You spoke
of me yesterday, didn’t you?
−I did, Nike. I had to
tell him that the beggar he had seen to enter was Mr. Siddeley.
-As Mr. Siddeley he greeted
me. In fact, we didn’t speak for long -what I dared not tell Protch was that I
felt uncomfortable before John Ellis. It was a fact that it was still the money
of the Siddeley that provided him sustenance and for that reason he was before
me cajoler and compassionate− and also his questions were impossible. How to explain
to him that now I am in this situation? In the end I guess that with certain
coldness, I had to tell him that you were waiting for me and that it was
already late to be able to get rid of him. Let’s talk no more of him –coffee
was already served−. Protch, try the brioche, and tell me what you think.
He ate little, leaving it almost all for me,
but he tried it. He acknowledged me he liked it, that though he had seen it
many times in the windows of the bakery, he had never before eaten it. But now
I know that for him the only important thing was that for the first time I had
accepted that we ate something together.
So in The
Silversmith Luke and I had sat to eat. It was quarter past two, we did not
have problems in finding a free table and immediately the waiters came. In the
face of the waiter you could see that it was a surprise to serve, according to
all appearances, a man of business and a beggar sitting face to face. But he
didn't make any comment. When he asked us what we wanted, we told him that we
had not had time to see the menu, although we would accept suggestions. As
already expected, he spoke to us about five or six different types of dishes of
lamb, of which I remember rosti lamb, lamb stuffed with mushrooms and spinach
and lamb in mint sauce, which I chose. Luke said that he would eat the same
thing that I ordered. To drink I ordered a soft drink and I was surprised that
Luke ordered one also.
− "You had wine
on the night of August 3. Would you not rather have it"?
− "Nike, I don't
know if you want us to talk about certain things. But wine is not essential for
me, and I will not drink it again in your presence. Okay?"
− "Thanks, Luke.
Please, now we have time; talk to me without haste of all, your wife and your
son, your outskirt..."
− "Fine; I'll
start, but remember that I also want to hear from you."
− "I don't have
much to tell. But I will make an effort. Please begin."
− 'As I know that
you're really interested I will speak of my family, I'll start there, where
there is a piece of news that I do not think you know −and looking at me
insecure, as doubting how I would take it, he continued-. Do you remember that I said that Lucy and I
were married according to the laws of the Earth, without papers showing it? –and
when I answered affirmatively, he said−. Well, being parents everything
changed, and Lucy and I decided to get married. We've married, Nike."
− "Congratulations,
Luke −I said sincerely−. I would like also
to congratulate your wife. Which day did you get married?"
− "We decided to
get married the same day as Olivia’s birthday, which is..."
But I interrupted him.
− "On 16
September –and when he looked at me surprised, I said−. I haven’t forgotten the
night of Aug. 3, when John distributed the stars and you generously gave me
two. I remember the dates of birth of all those who said it. I don’t know Lucy’s
and yours."
− "Whenever you
wish, we will talk about that, but I want to answer your first question before.
We decided to get married because of our son, to give a greater appearance of
legality to our union and our fatherhood. And to give him a surname. But as to
this... you'll see: I am not going to tell you all the legal battle, or the
time that has cost us, but with the help of Miguel, who, if you remember, was a
lawyer, we have finally managed to put the two surnames joined by a hyphen. And
so our son's name is Paul Prancitt-Rivers".
− "Paul
Prancitt-Rivers, the little king, your son..."
− "Who had an
uncommon privilege, which you and I have not had for example: to attend the
wedding of his parents. Yes, Nike, all of us went."
− "Where was it?"
− "Well, we had a
problem of religion, as they say. Lucy is officially devoted to the same faith
of the Rivers, the dominant faith in the country. You could say that I am a Catholic,
or that my parents were. She decided that we married in the Church of St Mary,
beside which my home in Knightsbridge Street used to be. Actually we both
consider ourselves as pagans, and if we believe in something it is in God-Fate
and the motifs by Verôme. But it was there, at 9 o'clock in the morning of the
16th, at St Mary's. I want to apologize, Nike."
− "Apologize?
Why?"
− "Several days I
was thinking of inviting you to our wedding. And it would have been easy. John
could have gone to your house. Or Anne-Marie. She was also invited but she could
not come. And talking one day with her, she told me that it was not the time
yet to invite you. I didn't know what to do. And it wasn't, Nike, as you may be
thinking, because I no longer considered you my friend. Quite the opposite. I
got to thinking that you were in a period in which you had to adapt to your
life and to see us so soon could cause you pain. Finally, Nike, in the end I
don't know if I did well. If I was wrong, forgive me."
− "Forgive you? You
are the one to forgive me. I have been a traitor, Luke"
− "Is that the
opinion you have of yourself? −he looked at me with severe eyes−. Later we'll
talk about it. I have a completely different opinion of my friend Nike. And as
I see you willing to gainsay my words, I repeat it. I know perfectly well what
I say. But before I ask about you, do you think ok to continue telling you the
few pieces of news there have been?"
− "It is no
little news to know that you are married. I give you my warmest congratulations
again. But please, tell me a little of everybody –and remembering something
that kept worrying me, I asked−. Did Miguel have a fever the night of August
6?"
− "He was
feverish one day when you were with us, but he was cured and has not been more
times. Right, you must not always be strict with the chronological order. Let's
start with him. These past two months the arguments between Miguel and John
have been constant, but even so I, who know them well, can assure you that out
of every argument they get a new outbreak of everlasting love. Of John I can
say, that at this time I have renewed my friendship with him. Now he looks at
me otherwise and prefers my company and my wife’s. My friendship with Bruce has
also grown tremendously and Nike is a topic of frequent conversation among us.
Yes, my friend; Bruce did not forget you. He never will. Mistress Oakes, like
Lucy, only talks to me about you with complete confidence. Both of them know
that sooner or later they will see you again, as I know it, and as you can see:
here we are. And of my dear Olivia, what can I say? I hear each day less the
phrase Luke is adorable, the same one
you doubted and which, sincerely, didn’t make me very happy. She used to say it
but I must confess that nonetheless I have never doubted her affection towards
me or her friendliness. And what else to tell you? Everyone is still more or
less the same."
− "I don't know.
I want to know so many things about you that I would be listening for an hour.
Tell me something else. Even if they are not news."
− "There is any
more news. But I don't want to make you cry. Let me tell you again first that
we are all well. And even wonderfully fed. Summer is always a good time for us.
And the beginning of autumn has been windy, but not very rainy so far, and all
has been good for us. Windy I have just said. You know that eight days ago the
city suffered a real gale –he looked at me doubting whether to say that he knew
that I had been there−, which swept away the great ash tree where often bonfires
are made, which fell on Olivia’s tent. But it did her no harm. Calm down, Nike.
We were not there. And there has also been some loss among our cats. Do you
remember them?"
− "I do, Luke. I
don't know if they have a chronological order, but in the order that I knew them
they were Telemachus, Terence, Tessa and Ted –and restless I asked−. Tell me fast
how they all are."
− "There is a
casualty, or maybe two. We do not know. We have not seen Tessa for two weeks.
Telemachus and Ted are ok. Or they were when I left this morning. But Terence we
know that it is dead –and noticing my tears, he told me the details−. It was
already very old. One morning we found him drowned under Menhir Bridge. You
know that it's broken. Perhaps on one occasion, the last one, it wasn’t able to
jump and maybe it fell to the river and perhaps, in some debauchery of the
stream, it could not swim and... But don't look at me thus, please. If you find
yourself responsible somehow, I will tell you that you would have been unable
to avoid it."
− "That I will
never know, Luke. I could at least have seen its last days of life or have
cried for it with you. Or maybe... imagine. You do not know, do you? At what
time it drowned. Perhaps, had I been there, it wouldn’t have gone to the river
and it could have stayed in my arms. If you remember, your four cats liked my
presence there and they used to do it."
− "It was already
very old, Nike. Even so it would not have lasted for longer. Your presence
could have delayed its death a few hours or a few days. But at the end it would
have returned to the river and it would have drowned."
− "Okay, Luke.
Even if I came to your outskirt today, Terence I would not see anymore."
− "But perhaps
for each absence there is a new presence. We often see there a cat, also grey,
which we call Theseus. But he is more often close to our neighbors, the Outcasts.
They live now calmer, because I do not know if you know that they have closed Baphomet."
− "Drugs..."
–I hinted.
− "Drugs –he
assured me−. Or that we have heard. I guess that it is consumed everywhere, but
it seems that within that disco it was being now too obvious."
I said nothing. But I didn’t oppose. I, who
had been so many times in its interior, knew well that all sorts of drugs
circulated there as a universal custom, without any control. Instead, I asked:
− "I still have a
question: how is your brother? Did he finish University?"
− "I think that he
still has two unfinished subjects. Let’s see if I name them correctly: edaphology
and structural geomorphology. This year he has promised to study them
seriously. But, besides that, he is quite well. And that reminds me: I didn't
ask it in August, how did you like my brother?"
− "From what
little I knew I would say that he is cheerful, sincere and somewhat talkative.
He would attend your wedding, wouldn’t he? But forgive me, before that I want
to ask you, because when I left your son had already been born and your brother
could not be there, how does he get along with his nephew and when did he meet
him?"
− "Let's go little
by little. He really came to our wedding, of course. And I remember that he missed
you and asked about you. He hoped that you were to visit him."
− "I have been
very negligent in many things but, if I am honest, I will tell you that I dared
not. To do this, I should have gone first to the Torn Hand. And I have not done
so. Sorry, Luke."
− "We will soon
talk about all of that, because I don't like to see that you reproach yourself.
But on your opinion about him, I will tell you that once again, if you are
right or wrong, I am also right or wrong then, because we tend to think the
same way about the same people. And it is true that he was not there at the
time that Paul was born, but he knew him on the very August 6, about 7 o'clock,
when at last he could come. And I can assure you that my son loves his uncle.
And if you have no more questions, let me be the one now who knows your
news."
At that time the waiter brought us two
dishes of lamb in mint sauce. Really suggestive and well presented. The smell
itself already whetted appetite. Although besides waiting for it to cool a bit,
I then had a knot in my stomach, for how to tell Luke that I had spent two
months without going to see them? He must be noticing my nervousness for he
helped, who could have thought it, telling me some facts of my own story.
− "Before you
start let me tell you some episodes, because it might be good for you to know
that I know them. To begin with, the night of 6 August, you had, say, a
hallucination, in which you believed to have seen John, and surely there was
where you got the idea that Miguel would continue with fever. Then, on the very
morning of 7, not waiting for one more day, you spoke to, how did you call
them?, ah yes, raiders or sharks, about your stay with us and you defended us,
not allowing them to offend us. That day you met the waiter of the Thuban Star,
whose name I believe is Richard – at this point I was already worried about how
he got to know all these things− he was one of the two people who you asked
that if you got to forget us, to give you a slap in the face. Am I going
well?"
− "Surprisingly
well" −I said, not daring to add anything else.
− "Later I will
tell you how I know all these things. But let us continue. When you got home
each day, you took refuge in your library, or you were going there by car to
avoid having to converse with your servants. But one day, finally, you didn’t
endure them any longer and you decided to fire them and stay alone. So you
spent all of September. In order to not make all this too long it only remains
for me to tell you that if you reproach yourself not to have come, finally you
did. You were here that terrible morning of the hurricane. And you could not
find us. We were, as you may have suspected, at Anne-Marie’s. My fellow mates
have taken refuge in her house five or six times. But I arrived later, as you
know, and until that night I didn’t know her beautiful home in Evendale."
− "Anne-Marie
then..." −I said concerned. I did not know what else she could have told.
− "Anne-Marie –he
began to tell me in an evocative tone−... I like that woman. Yes, Nike. I know
that she doesn't appreciate me really. She has never loved me too much,
actually. But these last few months she seems to almost hate me −I felt really worried
now−, but I cannot help but love her a lot. And if you wonder why, I'll tell
you that she stands for me canine loyalty. She is a friend of John’s; and she
will show him in any circumstance. I don't think that she considers the rest of
us as friends, but she talks with education and courtesy. But her friendship
with John is above all consideration. She comes to see him to the street as she
would follow him to prison or hell. In the time that I've known her, she has
been a mirror in which to look at myself in case one day Lucy and I decided to
move away from here. It is a challenge I have with myself: my fellow mates are
my friends, and they will always be."
− "And as you can
understand –he continued−, being the only person who was in contact at the same
time with you and John, she told him some things about your recent life. And I
now usually spend several hours a day with him, sometimes with Miguel by his side.
And as John knows how much I appreciate you, I make him questions about you and
he tells me some things. But I guess he keeps some answers. The more private ones
about you he will not tell me and I do not ask him."
Quicksand. I was worried and sometimes
frightened about what Luke might know. But I didn’t regret to have told the
reality to John and Anne-Marie. I really wondered whether he would have figured
out the truth, but everything that was clear at that moment is that Luke seemed
to love me, despite the distance of those two months. And that was enough for
me.
The food was already cold enough but still
we had not tasted it. And I had a piece of bread in my hand ready to insert it
into the sauce. But Luke did not begin, although he had already tasted his cola
drink, and I was quite nervous, despite being satisfied of having this
conversation with him, as to start.
− "So, Nike, how about
if you start now to tell me what you want?"
− "What can I tell
about myself these months that doesn’t make you think that I've behaved like a
traitor?"
− "Nike, I’ll
make you know something else. You can think about yourself whatever you want.
But I have not thought for a second evil from you and am not going to start
now. So I will tell you that I also know indirectly by Anne-Marie that you
could not avoid naming us in each of your conversations with her. Is it not
true?"
− "It is true,
Luke. But damn, I cannot hide what you already well know. I have not gone to
see you. I have not gone to see you! How to move from there?"
− "Nobody ought
to come and see a few beggars and..."
− "Not that,
Luke. You cannot think that. Yes, you are beggars −and bathed in tears I went
on−, but you are also, believe me or not, what I love most in the world."
− "I believe you.
You're still the same Nike I had the luck of loving in summer. And as you
allowed me to get to know you therefore I can tell you that I am well aware
that what you tell me is true. If you will allow me, I will say that that Nike
I met then would have wanted to come and see us."
− 'Then, Luke... there
you are. I have not gone."
− Look, Nike, perhaps
we have the problem in a verb. The friend who I knew would have wanted to see us. Then if you've not
come is simply because you have not been
able to."
− "Not good for
me, Luke. I had free afternoons. In fact every morning I thought "this
evening I will go", but when it came, I finally had no strength."
− "Let me tell
you, Nike, that when you met us in summer, we were such an essential part for
you that we might say that since then you are living in two worlds. And since
you've said nothing in one of them prevented you to come, in the end it is what I
think. There is a circumstance, which I do not know, that makes it impossible
for you to return to this world, to the Outskirt of the Torn Hand. I guess that it will
not be this, but suppose, it is only a guess ok? That with one of the seven you
had an argument and you do not feel comfortable with him. Thus, you do not come
so as not to see that person."
− "I have not had
any argument with anyone. It isn't that, Luke. I love you seven."
− Perfectly, Nike. And
I can assure you that I believe you. It was just one example. Let me venture
another assumption. But first I ask you again: is there or is there not a
circumstance in our world that prevents you to come?"
Yes. And this circumstance is you, Luke.
But as I could not answer this, I had to find another reason that would explain
my absence. And I soon found one.
− "I don't know whether
you will understand or believe me. I could have gone to visit you. But so I would
have felt bad later. So much I came to love you in the summer that I identified
myself with each. Those days fate made me stop there so that I could learn to
love you. A new sensation in my life. After the death of my grandparents I do
not know if I have loved someone as much as I love you. And I couldn’t, Luke. I
could not go and visit you and then return to my home. I needed to feel myself one
more of you, the eighth, not a friend who loves you and does not share your
life. Several times, from Miguel and Mistress Oakes’s words, I figured that at
least two of you expected me to stay always with you. The last three of you have
done so. It was an instant decision and I was not able to do the same."
− "Nike, no
decision is better than another for being instant. And remember that nobody
compels you to. Do you understand something as simple as that we cannot
reproach you, you or anyone else, for not becoming immediately a beggar? For God’s
sake, we appreciate you. We can't do that to you. And everybody has their own circumstances."
− "There is
nothing in my life that ties me, Luke. I can assure you that. So I will admit,
like you have just said, there is a "circumstance". Leave it there.
It is enough for me because I know that at least you believe me."
− "When one does
not love oneself much, Nike, and I know what I'm talking about, he can draw
many erroneous deductions. We mistakenly believe that others do not like us or
not understand us. I speak so freely, because you're still my twin, and in this
way you will feel more comfortable. We assume that there is a
"circumstance". And I hope that you go one step further and have very
clear that I understand you, and I love you. Now really I'd like to hear from
you."
− "I spent hours
remembering you. Work was the only thing that made me think of other things for
a while, but even so every morning again I went through the same: I challenged myself
saying that today I would go and see you. When I left work, I gave in, but not
before thinking again, at least, to go and see your brother so that he spoke to
me a little of all of you. But I didn’t feel strong. And at the end I did other
things feeling vile and, I'm not going to deny, the poor impression I had of
myself worsened. Only it calmed me down that Anne-Marie was going to see you
and told me that you were all well. Except on September 26, when I couldn't stand
it anymore and I approached your outskirt fearing really for everyone, and not
finding you, really I fretted, until finally she told me that you had spent the
night in her house. And so I have little to tell you that you haven’t told me
first."
− "Anyway, tell
me about it, Nike. I want to know your version. But no reproach for anything."
− "It will be
inevitable to reproach myself. What can I tell you? Without you everything has
been darkness, despair, a desert... When I went to bed, loneliness was cold; I felt
that the sheets had become a frost. And I could not enjoy watching TV, because
I was always afraid to bump by surprise into the weather forecast. If they said
it was going to get cold, it was going to rain, or the wind would be daggers
before becoming hurricane, I felt that I was dying for not being with you and
suffer it at your side. The news maybe passed to talk about hunger in the world
and it is then when my ears were bleeding. I know that I would not fix your
life coming to the street but I did not dare to imagine you starving or to remember
how well-fed I was with so much that you gave me. And I had in Deanforest that which
would have satisfied you. So finally I didn't watch television and took refuge,
as you know, in the library. But then I remembered Olivia and I started to cry.
Although at least there I was alone and could do it. But in the end I could not
stand it and had to stay alone. If something good I can tell you it is that in
these two months, and thanks to my memories, I have not succumbed to the
temptation and I have not drunk a drop of alcohol. And when you are awake and
lucid even pain is good. At least in my no man’s land I was sober, and with
your memory with me, anyhow I lived, Luke. In summer you seven were for me the
image of a timeless picture and its vivid oil paintings were still spilling in
my memory. And I've already learned that this picture will never be deleted.
But I can lose the grip. What I needed was to be sure that this landscape was
not going to fall. I needed nails, the nails that secure it. That is what my
heart was telling me. If I have walls, these will need to stay solid and never
drop the best images, which one day I brought from your outskirt. I don't know
if it will be enough the love I feel for you to secure them definitely.
However, Anne-Marie recommended me to try to forget. It was impossible, because
I neither could nor wanted to forget. And that's basically all, Luke. I do not
think I have anything else to tell."
− "If you allow
me again, I would have something more to say about yourself: what happened this
morning. It is that I don't know if you are aware that I've heard the words
that Mr. Weissmann has addressed you when you got out of The Golden Eagle. They were bidding so that you presided over the
company, isn't it?"
− "It is, Luke.
It was that."
− "Then, if you
allow me to ask you: what did you answer?"
− "I have not
been able to give him an answer. It is difficult to explain, but I would tell
you that what happens to me now is that I don't know who I am. I should have
immediately answered that I accept, but something was preventing me. I could
still do it, I'm still in time, but I do not see... I can’t see that presiding
over the Thuban Star is what I want for my future. It is not easy to make me
understand."
− "I understand
you, my beggar."
− "What for would
I like to be on a throne, away from those I love and..." –and suddenly I
interrupted the sentence. I had nearly overlooked the vocative he had just used.
− "Luke −I said
shedding real tears−, you've called me beggar. Thank you."
− "It has been Urgency.
When I really understood that you needed it. And if you look closely, all this
time you have lived as a beggar, with the few things that really matter: the
beauty of memories, of friendship, even evoking scarcity must have provided you
some light. Inside your sheets you've gone cold; and remembering our hunger,
you felt hungry. You've gone through the early stages of the journey of
initiation to be happy in life: setting aside everything that does not make you
happy and stay with what truly does. You've survived thanks to your memories; we
remembering you, because you have not been one more, you'll never be one. You moved
us all: me especially, because effectively you are dressed in commotion. And
you said many sentences which are golden for me. But I am especially remembering
one that you said on your first bonfire with us, nearly healthy again: "If
forgetfulness is a demon, get thee behind me." And really you've exorcised
oblivion. With a man like my friend Nike we will always live in your memories
and we will be, if you wish, your anchor for each time you have a bad time. And
in that case, you already know where we are."
− "if I'm going
to see you."
− "You will come and
see us, Nike. The inner battle is over. You already know the outcome. Trust in
yourself. And if I may return to what happened this morning, Nike, suddenly there
appears a dirty beggar on the corner opposite and you embrace him with real
affection. I'll never forget that image of you with open arms. I do already
have the nails so that that landscape of friendship that I had of you in the
summer does not fall."
− "These past two
months I was sometimes haunted by a few words from your wife that you may
remember. You were at her side. She told me this: "When thou seest us, thou
shalt know us."
− "Yes, I
remember them"
− "Every day I
remembered this challenge, saying to myself: "not for not going to see
them, you are going to avoid bump into any of them at any time. And what will you
do then?"
− "You would do
exactly as you did. Those words were not a challenge..." - I interrupted
− "They were a
constant challenge to the sobriety of Nicholas Siddeley, who would prove to
himself if once he arrived at the moment of truth, he would know how to behave
like a real man should do it."
− "I don't like to
see you hurt yourself with the knife of reproaches. But in that way, I feel
once again the best of your blood. We are like brothers. I saw myself clean in Lucy’s
eyes one day and a good summer day, clean in yours. Let me try to make that
from my brother Nike’s eyes dirt goes away. My friend, do you really think that
when you finally saw us you could have acted differently? Look inside yourself
and think of us one by one. Evoke the other six images, and tell me the truth: is
it not true that to each and every one you would have given the same hug you
have given to me?"
And then I did what he asked. I imagined the
other six one by one and then I really thought that I would have really
responded in the same way. I calmed down in a sense until he continued talking.
− "Nike, the
contest that you were in on the recognition was really more difficult with me –there
I was really fretted. But in every
conversation with Luke we went from a shaken sea to an ocean of calm−. Do not get
nervous. It was more difficult because you and I talked about friendship. In
fact, if you remember, it was you who first named the sacred word. And I could
see, excited, that a man until then unknown would have no problems in wanting
to be friends with a beggar. And friends we are now. And we will always be.
Life, a harlot on many occasions, often makes that you are separated by time or
distance from your best friends. But despite it, one can recognize, near or
far, his best friends. And perhaps with the other six, I don't know really, you
didn’t talk clearly about friendship. So it was more difficult with me. And
don't fret over the future. Or do you have still any doubt that when you see me
again, me or any of the other six, you would do exactly the same thing?"
− "What happens
to me, as you can see, is that I have no confidence in myself. And you may find
it insane, but at that time, if I hadn’t known you, my heart would have broken
out forever. Perhaps that is the reason why I could not find an answer this
morning to Mr. Weissmann: the undeniable fact that at least at this point in my
life the most important thing is you; and I have not dared to take that step,
but I would always like to be by your side."
− "Look me in the
eye, Nike. I've allowed it to you so far because it is very important to let
each person shed the blood of what he has inside. But after this moment I will have
to use severity. This is not always a whip, a rebuke or a punishment. Many
times it is a painkiller needed to at least alleviate enough headaches, a word
in its right time, to undress the certainty that you will always have my
friendship and that of my fellow mates. From the day I met you to today your
path has been full of dignity. Of dignity, Nike. I hope that, whatever you
think, you are now sure of Luke’s opinion about his great friend Nike."
− "Whenever I
talk to you, you make me see things in a different way. I need you, Luke."
− "You need me. Have
you stopped to think how much I need you? It is not enough to love my wife or to
know who I am. We all need a best friend who can see you with different eyes. I
don't know if I am a moron, as you used to refer to yourself, or a good person.
But in the mirror where I look at myself I always see myself, if not as I am,
as I'd like to be. If you remember your own words, all my fellow mates gave me
one day a slap in the face. But I needed the one you also gave me, a slap of
tenderness that joined me to you as a twin brother. Is it clear for you now?"
− "Thank you for
your words, Luke. I think that it is very true what you say, we are already friends
and we needn’t stop being. But you may agree with me that so far friend Nike
has not proven his true friendship."
The lamb cooled. And neither of us had tasted
it yet. It is not easy to explain, Protch, that at that hour, we were stripping
truths, tears, and feelings. And at times like that hunger disappears. At least
my hunger. Several times I was tempted to tell Luke the truth of my love for
him. But perhaps that fourth day of October wasn't the right day. It only
mattered that I saw him again and he seemed to like me. He showed it again in his
following words.
− "Nike, my
friend. I still see you with many doubts about whether you have shown the
friendship which we discussed in July. Then I made you a few questions. Now
perhaps I will ask you again the same ones and some more. And do not be afraid
to tell me what you really think. I would still like to know your opinion on
some things. Shall I start?"
− "Go on."
− "Do you believe
me to be an idolater?"
− "Luke... you've
had a dark time in your life, which I was lucky that you told me. Now, if we
are indeed twins, I go through a different, but equally dark path. You've
spoken to me a couple of times of lights. I think that your wife, your child,
and your fellow mates are lighthouses. And with their clarity, it is not
possible to lose orientation because you know, without a doubt, where your
harbour is. Idols are worshipped, and no doubt in your time with the bald
people, you did. But on many occasions they are already no good for us and we
forget them. You no longer need those totems and your fellow mates are the calm
waters of a pond, imagine, which has no shores, and its boundaries are endless.
With the needle of the compass rose you'll never lose yourself again."
− "Oh, my God! –I
heard again his favorite exclamation−. And you still believe, Nike, that you
have not shown your friendship. Okay, next question. Do you think that I am a
child, a childish teenager, or that I'm really a man?"
− "A real man,
Luke. And together with your wife, you both grow and you evolve every day. Your
fellow mates must see what I notice. How you assume us as we are, and not only
you can read us, but you write us with right lines. I am not able to see even a
single atom of childishness in you or your wife. The two of you are, a man and a
woman, wonderfully real."
− "Thank you, my
friend. Now I will ask you a couple of questions I've not asked yet. Tell me
what you really think. Be as brave as you have already shown me. Let's see,
Nike: what do think about my smell?"
That question was a delicate one. And I
could not avoid it without giving the true name to things.
− "You want to
know what I think of your scent. Of your smell of sweat? Of your dirt?"
− "You have never
protested, perhaps not to offend me. But true friends must talk about
everything. What do you think, Nike?"
− "I liked you
very much and I like you still. Those things don't matter to me."
− "That I
perceive well. Dare to go one step further. Why doesn't it bother you?"
And as I could not answer because I love you,
I was a few seconds trying to see what his smell reminded me.
− "Perhaps the
happiest time of my life was my childhood, with my grandparents, always
surrounded by water, trees and cats. Your scent evokes me the smell of the wood
of trees in Siddeley Priory."
− "Awesome. You
have given name to all of us, believe it or not. And they placed me at birth in
a wooden cradle. Tell me something else."
− "I guess Lucy
likes your smell –but I soon retracted my opinion, interpreting my own feelings
in those of his wife−. It is not that. Lucy loves you. And in any condition
that you are she will still love you. You must have been clean many times
before her."
− "Many times, I
have. Although still you have not seen me like that, I do not allow myself more
than one month without having a bath. But why do I do it?"
− "It is not easy
to find out –and at that time, for a few seconds, I knew the answer. But it
escaped me immediately. It was the first of many times that I had that fleeting
idea, feeling that it was very important to hold it−. Let's see, Luke, I would
say that a man like you, in full youth and at the height of his strength, would
often do so, i.e. would get clean very often. Not wanting to offend you, I
would say that then, for some reason unknown, your dirt is deliberate. But I
cannot know why. I had a flash when I thought I knew the answer. But it has
gone. Would you not tell me?"
− "You are very right,
Nike. It is deliberate. But I will not say why, because I know that my friend
will eventually find it out without my help. Indeed, there is a reason, for me
important. Quiet, my brother. As I know you well, I know that sooner or later
you will find the answer. Let me ask one more question: what do you really think
about the fact that Lucy and I have had a child in misery?"
Each new question was more troubling than
the former. I only knew that I had never reproached them. It was difficult, but
not impossible. I had to dive on the inside in search of solutions that my
heart had already given to the enigma.
− "You see, my beggar
–it was the first time I dared to call him thus. But with his eyes, he thanked
me−... If only you could have a son in wealth, I would say that three-quarters
of humanity would never be born. Lucy and you have the right any parent has to
extend yourselves in a son. And if you think it is not enough, and even if you
think that I am not answering, look at me, Luke. My 29 years, my last alcoholic
experiences, and more sadness than joy, if at this time in my life someone
asked me if I would congratulate or blame my parents for bringing me to life,
what do think that it would be?"
− "I understand."
− "Luke, I don't
know if you really understand. Let me finish, because you could understand the
opposite of what I'm trying to say. If at this point in my life someone asked
me that question, I would answer that I am sincerely grateful to my parents for
having brought me to this world, to freedom and slavery, to beauty and ugliness
and the moments that we must pass a test, to happiness and pain. Life, with its
many faces, is always a gift, and I am thankful to be here, tears or not. When
your child is older, and if he was asked one day that question, he would answer
something similar and thank you."
How to start eating? Luke was crying, and
not for the first time, in my presence, a cry of gratitude. I removed the bread
from my hand, and intended not to start before he began.
− "It could not
be otherwise –he was moved and said−, my twin criticizes himself for not having
shown his friendship and in every word or every gesture he does again. And again.
So even in your absence I could tell you what my friend Nike did. I can still
remember, my beggar, that on August 6 you went a few minutes to talk to John.
Well, I don't know of what you spoke –he tried to calm me, as if he were sure
that I didn't want to talk about that−, but I think that at some point you had to
mention me. And my wife. And I believe it, Nike, because the vision that John had
of us two did change. Since that morning, he seemed to see me as he saw me when
I arrived. Now he searched for me frequently, he wanted to exchange opinions
with me about almost everything, and I had a new respect as if his eyes had
been previously full of sand and now were suddenly clean. But most importantly,
it was shown in his words that he had returned to his first impressions about
Lucy, considering her again intelligent and insightful, as he had always believed
her to be. And perhaps his opinions have spread to all our fellow mates a
little. Luke is no longer adorable, or Lucy childish. Bruce has also changed.
But I think that in his case it was not due to John. It is usually rejected the
idea, which I agree with you, that Bruce is very intelligent. But he is cleverer
than it is supposed. It seems to me that in his case he was guided also by you,
but not through John. He used to have you in such a good consideration in
summer, no doubt thanking you your way to judge him, that surely he saw in your
eyes the impression you had of me. And so different Bruce is now that at the
moment he is one of my best friends."
− "Tell me especially
about him. I miss him so much, Luke. Have you ever noticed anything different
in his health, any danger...?"
− "You are thinking
about the prophecy."
− "I don't know
if it is that I cannot believe it or I don't want to believe it. But I can't
help but think of that every day."
−“I have not noticed
anything, calm down. And he was frequently swimming in August and some days I
was with him. I think the last time was on September 15, when he decided to
wash for our wedding. Nothing has happened. You gave him the mastery of water
and whenever he dips into the lake, he thinks of you."
− "Luke. Tell me,
please, what opinion everybody has of me. With sincerity."
− “There is no bad
opinion of you, let me start there. In any case, some doubts. Mistress Oakes
has the absolute certainty that she will see you again. She is not suspicious
of you. And what in her it is security, in Lucy and me is true faith. Not a
single second we have doubted you. Maybe Bruce is not sure when he will see you
again, but he’ll be waiting for you with his best smile. I would say that John
knows some reasons why he should not expect your return immediately."
And seeing him hesitate about the other two,
I asked:
− "And what about
Olivia and Miguel?"
− "It is
difficult to know what my dear Olivia might be thinking. In her words you can
always see how much she loves you, the good memory you left her. I cannot
assure you... well, if she believes to be going to see you again. But if she
talks about you, she does so really moved, as we all do. And as for Miguel,
well, I will not cheat, he likes you too but I think he has some kind of
security that he will not see you."
− And however, I like him,
Luke. I could not forget any of the words of Miguel. They were often rather
than challenges, needed spurs, light guides that I have not always followed,
but which showed me the way."
− "All of us like
you."
− "Luke. I cannot
stand it anymore. To have seen you has been the necessary stimulus. It has to
be tonight or never. I want to go to your outskirt and finally embrace you
all."
− "You know that
you may come whenever you want."
− "It is true.
But if you've understood me before, I cannot pay a simple visit. I need to do
something else. To feel like in summer. I want to sleep with you. Tonight at
least I don't want to sleep in Deanforest."
− "One of our
codes says that you must make yourself understood without speaking, and that if
you want to learn, you had better do it without asking. I could not let you
keeping a poor opinion about yourself. And that is why I have spoken. But I
don't know if you've noticed that actually I've been holding my tongue. I did
not want my tears or my blood to produce you a tsunami. To sleep with us did you say?"
Tears and blood were all the ingredients. Of
them I participated, and Luke with me. If I have already told you that hunger
is not only the need for food, eating is not only ingesting. It must be
something else. Our hearts were poured, and tenderly we devoured ourselves. The
lamb was looking at us sarcastic. We hadn’t tasted it yet.
− "Yes, Luke. I
want to spend the night there. But listen to me: I don't want to steal Bruce
his tent again… And less if I have to bother the others. I'd like to have my
own place there. For tonight, or perhaps for many other nights. To say that
among you is already Nike’s tent, to see you frequently and be there with you."
− “You know that
comfortably Bruce would lend it to you again, happy to sleep in "the house"
with the pleasure of embracing you."
− "I know, Luke.
But I don't want to do that to him. If necessary, I would be the one who sleeps
in "the house", and at least I would have dinner there with you. I
guess that now in autumn you will continue doing your bonfires. Tell me if it
would be more or less possible to find a tent."
–“We could search for
one in the landfill. From there are almost all of them. Olivia and Mistress Oakes
managed to bring theirs from Knights Hill. They bought them at the Salvation
Army, in a shop in Castle Road. If we had known your wish beforehand, we would
have sought one for you, but now I... do not know if we will find something in
the landfill worthy for you to sleep in."
–“I will seek in the
landfill. And if not, I'll sleep in the house. But not in Deanforest, not
tonight. Luke... –I hesitated now. I knew that more than ever it was going to
be difficult to make me understood−, you have already called me my beggar. And
do not believe that it offends me or that your words have been hasty. This is
what I want to be. Back to see you, more than ever, I cannot be a gentleman of
beggars. In summer I missed many things to know. I have to know it all, in case
that fate is awaiting me, as I want to. I don't know if you'll understand, but
I would like to go to the street today."
− "Are you sure,
Nike? We are going to love you just the
same if you don’t."
− "Maybe you
think I am going crazy."
− "I will not
believe that. You know that, whether it was madness or not, I also did that and
I have never regretted being where I am."
− "Yes, Luke. I
want to go to the street. Give me only, please, some indication of where to go,
the best time, what I have to do, etc."
− “Are you thinking of
going to the street alone?
− "All of you
must have gone alone some time."
− "Sometimes we
have. But John and I did not start alone."
− "My idea, Luke,
even if it seems nonsense, is as follows: I want to go to the street this
afternoon, then return to the Torn Hand and sleep there. But in the morning I would
return to my work, and again, the afternoons and evenings, a beggar. I cannot
preside over the Thuban Star. Now I know it. It is not for me. But I need to
continue for the time being in my work. Although I still cannot even explain
why, I need to continue there if things go wrong or something does not go well.
Or if my resistance was less than I thought. Still I need to know the street
and Shame."
− "I'll give you
then the information you asked me. But remember, Nike, that at any moment you
can withdraw and don't think that I will think badly of you for that. Hours or places.
You may already have guessed that we are often guided by mass hours. We know by
heart the schedule in all the temples, of so different confessions. But often any
place in the city is good for us. Today you've seen me in Longborough Street.
And if we are not approaching a church, there is no convenient time, but more
or less lucky days, depending also much on the weather. I don't think this
afternoon, for example, be a lucky day. The sky is full of clouds threatening
rain. But in any weather we continue doing our job. And in terms of what you
have to do... it would be easier to explain it if you let me go with you."
− "But you must
go with Lucy, Luke."
− "To the street you
may go alone or accompanied. In couples fueled by love, like Miguel and John or
Lucy and I, or by friendship, as Mistress Oakes and Olivia. As surely you know,
of us seven, only Bruce goes alone. But since our son was born, Nike, Lucy and
I are not going together, we cannot go together. She preferred to stay to take
care of him in the morning, which is when I go out into the street. When I
return, I take care of him and Lucy leaves. And so at all times one of us is in
the street and the other one is taking care of our little king. And Lucy won’t
mind to be all day taking care of him and that I do the work of both from dawn
to sunset. Not much, but something I will give her already and she will be
happy to know where I am and with whom. You must decide. But if you really want
to go, for me it would be a pleasure to accompany you."
− "For me it would
also be a real pleasure to go with you. But Luke, I don’t want to have any
responsibility in your hunger. And I have already stolen you some valuable
hours –and looking at his dish, I asked− will you not eat?"
− "Nike −he said
with some severity−, I will go to the street with you. But I want you to
promise that in no time you will go to the limit of your strength for wanting
to show me a friendship that you have already widely shown. The aim is only
that you come to see us and get a bed for tonight or for whenever you want. And
then I will ask you again. If nevertheless you are still determined, your
friend Luke will accompany you. But I hope it is clear enough for you that at
any time you can go back. I don't care if you resist all afternoon or just five
minutes. I'm not going to like you less for giving up. If you have this clear,
I will answer now about my food. There are many days, even for beggars, when
there are some conversations that fill more than food, as well as the stories
soothe cold. I will not eat, Nike. But I think you should. If you want to go to
the streets, you never know what kind of a day you will have. Or if you will
eat."
Second black mass. Luke had satiated
without tasting the food, and second was to reject lamb and wine. The tears of
his body were the flesh and blood his only drink. With the heart and the soul
of Nike he entered into communion and chose to bite him, a vampire predator
smelling of nights of fires, with tenderness and accepting the true religion of
the naked feelings, the friendship of two werewolves who will devour each other.
− "I do not seem
to be hungry either, Luke. And if tonight hunger must come, so be it. But at
the moment I'm not able to eat at all. You can well see that eating lamb when being
with any of you is impossible –I smiled−. From now on, I will have to eat
fish."
I will have to eat fish. The precession of
the equinoxes had already made that the sun in spring does not enter Aries
today, but Pisces. So that Nike could travel from the old Polar Star to the
present, his precession should move him from Thuban to Polaris, and perhaps the
compass of the northern sky of that October 4 already placed him in Ursa Minor.
And just opposite, in the ecliptic, with the thrust that Luke had just given
him, his navigation in the Zodiac might also have varied, entering Pisces
safely.
− "Excuse me, but
I will insist. Are you sure you want to go to the street this evening?"
− "Completely
sure, Luke."
− "Then... I could
not tell you before. I didn't want to move you precisely to this. You have wanted
to know the opinion all of us have of you. And something I still have to say.
You see, Nike, August 6 should have been a day of true happiness for all, or at
least for Lucy and me, but both of us were, however, in the midst of our joy,
all day melancholy. It was a strange day of arrival and departure. There came our
son; you were leaving. But the day that you left our outskirt looked like a
funeral. Our fellow mates joined us in our happiness with an impossible to cure
pain in their hearts. And at night, they could not stand it anymore and... two
men wept. Yes, my friend. At the beginning of the twilight, John, who had not
dared to do so before by the jealousy of Miguel, suddenly could not be stopped
and poured some bitter tears, with no hope to see you soon again. And already in
the bonfire, a convulsive cry shook us all, an unexpected eruption of
heartbreaking anguish. I think that after the spasmodic sound that came to us
with real shock, everyone followed as a cascade. It was a man who has not been
able to forget you, whose face will forever carry your name in his eyes. It was Bruce."
Bruce. How much I loved him. It was
impossible to try to stop them. Without a latch in my eyes my tears broke off. My
heart gave me a new upset to put myself in my true place. But today, tonight, I
had to be a beggar, I had to go close to him and assure him my friendship. How
many times throughout my life I believed that I would die without a retinue.
There were, however, those who cried for me. They were my land, my names and my
surname, my only lights, my only wishes, my warm stars. Still crying, but with
an unknown determination, I told him.
− "Luke, let us
be practical. It is three o’clock. And I should go first to Deanforest.
Because, well, I see the clothes I am wearing and I do not think they are the
most suitable ones for the street. I need to change clothes. And I want to walk
to Deanforest and back to your outskirt. So, calculate the time, but I guess
that I'll be there at about 4."
− "At 4 then. A
necessary exchange of tears and hugs with everyone, of words and news, and next
we will go to the landfill. If we find a tent, it will then follow a short
interval to mount it, and return with them to speak a little longer. In those
moments I want you to be aware of my eyes. I'll sooner or later make a signal.
The signal that it is time to go. And if you are still in the same decision, we
will leave together then."
− "Where to,
Luke?"
− "Do you have
any preferences as to places?"
− "None. I'm hardly
sure of where you move. I'll go where you want to go."
− "Leave it in my
hands then."
− "Good. Shall we
go? Have no doubt that soon you will see me again."
− "I have not the
slightest uncertainty, Nike. Let's go. And see you soon, my friend."
We finally left, Luke to his outskirt, to
inform his wife that that afternoon she would not have to go to the street; to
talk to his fellow mates of my arrival and my intentions; I went to the counter
to pay what we had not eaten. In the table, some cigarettes and two soft drinks
consumed. And the lamb intact, as a joke to my years of affluence. Maybe we
should have eaten it. But there it was as a signal that when you really love,
hunger cannot defeat those images of tenderness. We had eaten each other’s
hearts. And we would continue hovering around them, scavengers, as far as a
hazy dawn would not dissolve our bones. In my delirium I started to pray to the
fireplace, begging it to continue giving me the necessary heat for that
afternoon. "The mantle and refuge of your flame, of their seven flames,"
I said, "is what I need." And so dressed up in
fire, I finally said goodbye to Luke, to go like other afternoons to
Deanforest, and contrary to my custom of the past two months, to turn around to
return at the end to my country.
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